Caretaker
About this track
Buy the LP here https://elasticstage.com/soundcloud/releases/arrax-shadowfang-tears-to-voltage-album Part editing, Mixing and Mastering made by Powertoast Music A shoutout to Powertoast who helped me remaster the song https://soundcloud.com/powertoast “Caretaker” is my story about being the parent to my own mother. I was the one cooking, calming, cleaning up, talking her down from pills and panic, carrying the weight of her addiction and illness while trying to hold together a life of my own. Every time I tried to leave to save myself, she collapsed, said I was all she had, and threatened to end it, so I kept coming back, convinced that loving her meant keeping her alive. The song starts at the moment I finally broke and said I could not do it anymore, and then gets to the call two days later telling me she was gone, pills on the floor. It sits in that ugly mix of relief, anger, love, and survivor’s guilt that keeps whispering I killed her by choosing myself, even though I know her life was never really in my hands. “Caretaker” is me grieving not just her death, but the years I spent fading into her chaos, and the mother I never really got to have. It is a goodbye from someone who did not like who she became at the end, but still hurts because she is gone, and is only now trying to believe that walking away does not make me a monster.